And How to Know When It is Not Love
Dear Zikora,
As you move on in life, you will encounter several situations and people who claim to love you. Some of them want to deceive you using the words “I love you” or “do it because you love me” and so many other lines like that. Capitalism will also try to sell you a concept of what “self love” entails. Perhaps one that involves esthetic pleasing forms of self indulgence or certain purchases. Remember, Love is not an emotion and Love is not performative. It is a mindset and a very crucial one at that. See Why Love is Non-Negotiable
How To Love God:
This is straightforward; Obey his commandments. It is very clearly stated in John 14 vs 15: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments”. Similarly, in First John chapter 5 vs 3, it says: “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome”.
How to Love Yourself and Others:
By knowing what Love is and isn’t, how to love God, Yourself, and Others become obvious. So pay attention to what love is and isn’t from 1 Corinthians 13 vs 4-7 and use it to guide the way you relate to yourself and others. In doing so, you are also loving God, because you are obeying his commands and instructions.
1) “Love is Patient and Kind”-vs4a
This means that Love is not in a rush. Love is not Instant Gratification, and it is not People Pleasing. Love is not Lust, Greed, or Selfishness which are all urgent feelings. Love takes its time and is helpful. So, a good way to know if it is love is to ask yourself: is this helpful to me and others and/or am I being pressured or rushed? Remember, being kind does not mean being a People-Pleaser or being a door-mat, it means being assertive and considerate. If you want to Love anyone, start by being patient and kind to yourself. You cannot love others without loving yourself first…Matthew 22 vs 39.
2) “Love Does Not Envy or Boast”-vs 4b
Have you noticed how unsustainable and unending the actions/behaviors you cultivate out of envy or a desire to boast are?
Love is not a competitive. If you find yourself being boastful, or aspiring to something with the purpose of bragging or out of envy, then you are not operating from a place of love. It goes both ways, if the person you are dealing with is boastful or envious of you or others, they don’t have love in them. So be careful when they say that they love you, because they don’t.
That said, you should still develop and utilize your gifts and talents to share with others. This should not be because you want to be better than others, but because you are living according to the purpose for which you were created.
3) “It [Love] is Not Arrogant or Rude”: vs 5a
Love is not Pride. True love is humble; it doesn’t look down on anyone. Don’t let anyone deceive you, you cannot have love and be rude or arrogant at the same time. If you notice yourself looking down on anyone, stop and remind yourself that true love doesn’t do that. In the same vein, anyone who treats you or others in an inferior manner does not have love in them, don’t believe them if they claim to love you.
4) “Love Does Not Insist on It’s Own Way”: vs 5b
This means that love is not self-centered. Love does not say “it has to be done my way”. Instead, Love considers others/everyone involved as well.
So if you have someone/situation who or that gets upset/irrational once you say no them, or it does not go their way, then that person is not operating from love. If they did, they would consider you/whoever is on the receiving end as well. So beware, if you ever run into situations like this, do not think it is love. Get out of such situations, as it can be harmful. Harming yourself in the process of loving another is most certainly Not Love.
Another way to look at this it: let’s say you are working on being more healthy, taking better care of your body, and you are exercising daily etc., remember it has to be motivated by love. This would look like, giving your body a break, not insisting on doing some exercises even when your body hurts and is giving you signs that things are not quite right.
Loving God, yourself, and others also means fixing or refraining from the negative habits you indulge in, because they are harmful to you and, or to others. This means that you don’t insist on executing harmful behaviors because “you only live once” or “this is just who I am”. Operating from love in this context would mean considering your actions and how it would affect you, and the other parties or persons involved. Such as your body (God’s temple), your friends, your family and the world around you.
5) “It [Love] is not Irritable or Resentful”: vs 5c
To Love yourself correctly, don’t resent or be angry at yourself, despite the parts of you that you may not like. If you find yourself harboring negative feelings to the point where you are now disliking yourself, or people, then you have not been operating from a place of love. Again, it goes both ways. If you are in a relationship with someone who claims to love you and you notice that they are often irritated with you or resent you, just know that that person does not love you. In the same vein, if you find yourself in a relationship where you are constantly irritable or resentful, you need to step back/outside and reevaluate. Because you cannot have love if you harbor resentment.
6)“It Does Not Rejoice at Wrong-Doing, But Rejoices With the Truth”: vs 6
To Love God and yourself properly, you must tell yourself the truth, and avoid partaking in wrongful behavior or injustice. This verse also means that Love calls out injustice and stands by the truth. Again, if you find yourself on the side of the oppressor, just know that you are not operating from love, and get out of there. Similarly, don’t be fooled when an oppressor tells you that they love you.
Lastly, no matter the relationship you have with someone who perpetrates injustice, do not side with the oppressor. True Love does not support injustice.
7) “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all the things” vs 7.
In terms of self love, this means: Accepting and forgiving yourself completely and never giving up on yourself. In terms of relationship with others, it starts to get tricky and is often misconstrued and misunderstood. This is the verse that is often used to trap people into staying in unhealthy situations or to guilt trip them for leaving. I made many mistakes in my youth because I too didn’t understand this. To better understand this verse, we must refer to the whole chapter description. Here are some examples to further explain…
Sometimes positive situations can be challenging. For instance, you need to learn a helpful new skill, or stop indulging in harmful/negative habit etc. if you are operating from a place of love for your God and yourself, you would be able to endure the hardships that come from these situations. You would understand better and accept the situation. Thus, in this scenario, Love fuels the discipline that you need to persevere.
On the other hand, if the situation is not bathed in love, i.e., it is toxic, (please note, the situation/behavior/relationship has to have only one of the negative criteria for it to not be rooted in love. I say this in case you encounter a situation where some qualities of love are present and others aren’t).
Back to the toxic/negative situation; once you have established that the situation is not rooted in love, you should still operate in love. Now remember,
- “Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth”…vs 6. So, evaluate the situation, who is committing the wrong doing? You have to distance yourself from that. Wrongdoing in relationships is any behavior that is not align with the descriptive qualities of love. You also need to distance yourself/remove yourself from the party committing the wrong doing or change your toxic ways if you find yourself to be the toxic one.
- If you do not do not remove yourself, and you insist on being hurt or being on the receiving end of toxicity for whatever reason, you are not operating from love either. This is because being on the receiving end of toxicity breeds irritability and resentment and love is not that. And once you develop resentment within yourself, it is difficult for love to also reside in your heart.
- Here are other supporting verses to help you clarify that the “ bearing all/ enduring” quality of love does not mean physically staying in a toxic relationship: proverbs ….”better is a dry morsel in quiet, than a feast in a house full of strife” (Proverb 17 vs 1).
- “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (Proverb 21 vs 19).
These are all some examples of where we are encouraged to leave toxic environment. So yes, you still need to love them, but you don’t have to be physically present, or continue in that toxic environment/situation/relationship to prove it. Instead, you are to exercise the qualities of love still by accepting them how they are, forgiving them, praying for them, doing good to them (Luke 6: 27-36), and not rejoice over their misfortune (Proverbs 24: 17-18). All these can and should be done from a distance.
Summary:
“Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease, as for knowledge; it will pass away”…vs 9. Love is what we carry with us to the end, after all is said and done. 1 Corinthians 13 vs 8-12 explains that love is the greatest because we don’t, and won’t ever know everything perfectly or fully. We only have partial understanding and knowledge of things and exercising love makes up for all the parts of ourselves, a matter, or relationship that we do not see or fully understand. Be wise and don’t be deceived by the worldly definition and expectations of Love.
So my dearest, if you want to obey the first and great Commandment, start practicing Biblical love. In so doing, You will learn how to Love God, Yourself and ultimately, others. You will also be able to identify when it is not love. And if you have not been acting from a place of love or didn’t understand love properly before, don’t feel sad, or bad, or guilty, you can change now. I hope this helps.
With Love,
Mama.